INCREDIBLE PSYCHIC REVEALS TOMORROW'S NEWS TODAY!
Here is the news! All the news you need for a month! Read on and forget news for four weeks!
Donald Trump had sex with someone so the Russians did it and he must be stopped / shot.
Brexit a disaster / stalled / cancelled, so supermarkets will collapse and you will starve to death.
Royal people have families and children.
Morons want to have sex with robots.
Somebody had an accident on holiday.
Child gang-raped in Pakistan.
New vaccine will cure every known disease and extend your life by 200 years.
Breast-feeding mother outraged at gym / maths class / football match / funeral.
People get upset because the weather changes.
A lesbian is outraged because all men are rapists.
A brainless spoiled rich junkie has overdosed in Chelsea and it really matters.
Police twerking / jiving / shagging instead of working.
Man with beard convicted of terror offense.
Teacher shags pupil.
A transgender person is outraged.
Fake news must be censored (this means your Facebook posts).
The earth is burning and we will all die because we kept breathing / breeding / eating.
Experts reveal that drinking more or less of whisky/wine/urine will kill you or prolong your life.
Amazing breakthrough might cure all cancer forever.
Courageous nobody took their clothes off and is now on tv / in the news.
Britain is in terrible danger from the "far-right".
Anonymous television person confesses terrible struggle with depression/cancer/gender.
There will be a full moon.
Russia did it.
Spare yourself the next week / month / year of this crap and just stop consuming mainstream media.
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