GOD BLESS YOU, INTERNET POLICE

Thank heavens for the Internet Police. In recent years I lost count of the times I was
deeply offended by something I accidentally read in great detail on a website I visited by chance after going online by mistake. That no longer happens, and it's all down to the Bill.

Remember the bad old days when you randomly clicked on a Youtube video with a title which gave absolutely no hint of its gross,  extremist content? (White Equals Racist / All Men are Rapists, are two good examples). Anyway, remember how after accidentally watching the whole thing twice you had to download it and share on Twitter, before sobbing uncontrollably and crawling into your safe space to recover? Well those days are over - the Net Cops are here, so have no fear. Our  magnificent male, female and non-binary Bobbies have brought the British online community under complete control. No expense has been spared to protect confused, vulnerable people from visiting loonies like  Infowars.com every day completely by mistake, only to find themselves bombarded with evil, offensive conspiracy theories like "the internet is being censored" or "globalists are flooding our countries with violent African peasants". Because that was exactly the kind of crazy talk you used to hear before all the thought-criminals got censored off the internet to make room for globalist videos about friendly African peasants.  God bless you, Internet Police!

MOANING MINNIES

Of course, the usual moaning minnies are complaining that you can't walk around dark  city streets without getting assaulted, robbed or raped, but honestly, that's just fear-mongering. London, for example, has never been safer, so long as you're cowering in an underground, lead-lined room with all your possessions chained to your wrist. And if you do happen to stray outdoors, there's precious little to worry about - even the police don't bother with patrols. London is one tranquil city! 

As for the idea that the epidemic of murders carried out by Afghanis, Somalis and Tunisians is somehow connected to the recent influx of Afghanis, Somalis and Tunisians, well that's just racism.  And if you overhear your neighbour repeating that kind of Islamophobic myth, don't hesitate to call the Hate Police and get the bastard nicked. If you remember to film his arrest on your phone, you can upload it at Vidabigot.com and get extra brownie points on your Social Justice report card.  

COMMUNITY INTERNET POLICE

There's still work to be done, though. Only today I came across a vile, hate-mongering advert for a t-shirt which reads - I can hardly believe this - "It's Alright To Be White". It took me three hours to find it but only half a second to recoil in disgust, and I rang the fuzz straightaway. 

Before the Net Cops hardly an hour a day went by without a similar outrage. It's all different now although yesterday I had just scanned five hundred websites when I encountered -totally by accident- a shocking 2000-word article about football that contained not one reference to female sportspersons. Triggered? Offended? I went hog-face, vindaloo-sweat, farting mad.

And then it hit me - what we need is a Citizens Internet Police. Sort of like the Territorial Army or the Scouts. Every street could nominate one CIP officer -obviously you'd want someone with nothing better to do than invent victim opportunities qualified to explore popular culture, to ensure the safety of innocent web browsers. CIP officers could have, like, a proper uniform, sort of official-looking -black would be nice- with one of those anti-stab vests and some handcuffs and maybe a taser? Of course you'd want the power to arrest people and stuff but if you got, like, a special hotline installed, you could call in the real Net Cops and they'd kick my neighbour's doors down and so on. It would save the government a fortune because we - I mean the CIP- would all be volunteers. Community spirit, that's what it's all about, like the traffic wardens or something. I've already written to my MP to get the ball rolling, and he suggested I make a long list of offensive words and phrases to look out for. I finished the As and Bs on Wednesday and now I'm halfway through the Cs. Control Freak - now there's a classic - it wouldn't be the first time somebody called me that, LOL. But I think we all know what a sick, offensive slur it really is, don't we? Don't we?  Hello? Brian, are you there? Mum? Oh for fuck's sake, I've been livestreaming this on Facebook for seven minutes now and no bugger is even listening...  Anyway, as I was saying, thankyou Internet Police, because,

Ian Andrew-Patrick