CLIMATE CHANGE IS ALL YOUR FAULT

It was all your fault, understand? The seas rising, floods, famine, drought, hail, lightning,
earthquakes, volcanoes, disease, dams bursting, children starving, deserts and disasters everywhere. It was you, normal people, stupid! Did't you notice that your nasty habits – breathing, eating, driving, travelling, owning a pet and keeping yourself warm, were causing "irreversible climate change"?

Blame your stupid parents. I'll bet you can't wait to explain to Mum and Dad how they fucked up everything. Don't listen to a single stupid word they say, ever again. If they try and argue, just remind them, the earth is almost on fire because "science".

Rich, important people know better. Ask all the billionaires and superstars– they know, they've told you so a thousand times. The planet is about to die thanks to the nasty habits of you and your kind. It's time to trust the rich and famous people. They're smart. Smart enough to become billionaires and superstars by exploiting other people – people like you.

But the money and fame wasn't enough. Now they realise how very important and smart they are, they will save the entire world (for themselves at least).

They want to decide what you are allowed to eat, drink, wear, and do. In fact, if you intend to do anything at all , they will tell you if you can do it, where you can do it, and when, and how often. They want control over your entire life, because "climate change".

If you won't obey you are evil, a planet-murderer, a selfish monster, who is going to be punished, you better believe it.

[ Editor's note : if you fall for this garbage you deserve the miserable half-life they have planned for you]

This is a trick so old its beard would go six times round the moon.

THE END IS NIGH! BEHOLD, GUILTY ONES, THOU HAST OFFENDED THE GODS! NOTHING CAN SAVE YOU NOW!

Nothing, that is, unless you obey this bunch of orders we've put together to control you and your terrible habits.

Your brand new "good life" goes like this:

First you shoot your dog and go live in a tiny steel rabbit hutch on the 35^th floor in a city block with 1500 people on every square mile. This way we can protect the natural world (by keeping you out of it).

Forget your fancy natural food, asshole! You will eat only the fake food that can be made with special corporation-approved chemistry sets. (To read about 'laboratory meat' CLICK HERE). No actual vegetables or animals will be required, because "science". This way humanity can preserve precious natural resources (for a few special people like ourselves).

Obviously you won't be travelling anywhere because when you travel it poisons the world. (When WE travel it's to do important stuff). But you'll be fine staying where you are, because there'll be a big screen on your wall and a small one in your hand telling you what to do and keeping you entertained. (We know all about what screens can do – that's why we're rich and/or famous).

People like you can't be trusted to just roam free, meeting other people and making trouble. (Special rich and famous people behave properly and do only good things, like save the earth, because they are better).

With your life under total control, it's unlikely you'll spend enough time with other people to have a proper relationship. But that's okay - sex robots will be supplied, because "inclusivity". This way you won't have any kids to destroy the planet even faster. (Richkids are different and better).

Now and then -if you behave properly and don't argue- you will be allowed out to visit strictly controlled nice places for a limited period. Not the really nice places, obviously. The Special Ones will take special care of those places on behalf of everyone, because "nature".

Of course, if you don't obey all these orders, you will be shamed and rejected and shunned and boycotted and put in Facebook jail, have your bank account locked and have the word DENIER tattoed on your ugly face, because "guilt".

Now then, repeat after me, "Climate Change is All My Fault because..." 

 

Ian Andrew-Patrick