The Twelve Days of Brexmas

1. We have a winner! By a majority decision, in the blue corner...the blonde bomber...Boris "Brexmas" Johnson is the official heavyweight 2019 UK Champion of Champions. After a colossal argument lasting nearly a whole afternoon, fourteen million shrewd judges raised their thumbs and brought December's grand final of Westminster's Got Talent to a stunning conclusion.

2. Predictably, rumours began swirling that the competition had been fixed in advance.
Judges had been "got at" in a desperate bid to prevent "diversity", claimed a loud coalition of short gay men, women, Muslims and people of various colours. The blonde bomber was quick to point out that his personal supply of short gays, women, Muslims and people of colour is unequalled. Indeed, Johnson's collection of talking heads is so diverse he intends to have them all mounted and displayed in a Cabinet.

3. On behalf of "white supremacy", meanwhile, the Grand Cyclops of number 10  struck an early and mighty blow, promising his Brussels overlords that Britain will import a mere 300,000 highly-qualified climate refugees between now and the summer amnesty. Stung by accusations that he is "too friendly by half" with the monied European elite, Prime Minister Johnson arranged to spend New Year on a Caribbean island with the family of German aristocrat Otto von Bismark. Like Johnson, Bismark was celebrated for his sparkling wit and notable quotes, e.g. "When a man says he approves of something in principle it means he hasn't the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice."

4. Far-left think-tank Fourskank (the production team at Radio 4) called for an internal examination inquiry into why 14 million citizens had inexplicably refused to elect the editorial staff of the Guardian website. Infuriated beyond reason, a spokesman for the Labour Gay Banking Trots (LGBT) community demanded that the British underclass be disbanded and a new one imported from Somalia. Told that this process was already well under way, the spokesman changed gender and announced she would be gluing her head to a different vehicle every Saturday until polar bears become vegan, as demanded by Sharia Law.

5. Declaring Labour's electoral annihilation to be an overwhelming moral victory, Jeremy Corbyn braved the mean streets of Hampstead, parading topless through cheering groups of up to four people, in an open-topped eco-bus. To demonstrate that Xmas is inclusive and has nothing to do with X, 'Dianne Abbott' Halloween masks were distributed among grateful dementia sufferers by members of the Guilty Caucasian Coalition, with a selection of rainbow dreadlock wigs, hand-woven by African virgins on Love Island. 

6. Celebrity comedian Owen Jones declared himself "baffled" by the election result, prompting gales of laughter from his millions of loyal detractors. Insisting that "democracy is dead until everyone agrees my friend Tristram is hot," Jones limped out of the Guardian's basement offices wearing a high-visibility jacket and a faintly disturbing smile. A spokespersonality for the Observer Group announced that "After a short but distinguished career downhill, Owen is retiring from journalism and returning to his old desk in the Plusnet call centre."

7. Thrilled by the electoral reaffirmation of their core beliefs, thousands of unrepentant Lesbian Fascist weight-watchers waddled onto the streets of London in an open celebration of cartoon hairstyles, oiling each other's muffin-tops while chanting "This Is What Socialism Looks Like!"  and "Fuck, Boris!" At the time of writing, it remains unclear exactly who they want Boris to fuck.

8. Pro-European journalists hurried to form an elite WhatsApp group, hoping to  coordinate a plausible narrative that will keep actual Brexiteers at bay, giving Boris "Brussels" Johnson enough time to secretly anchor the UK to Europe for all eternity. It was decided that the phrase "Johnson's Hard Brexit" should appear in every newspaper column from January Ist 2020 onward, until and unless the public realise that nothing at all has changed. Cocktails and semi-nude selfies were taken.

9. Parliament re-opened, with all the pomp and ceremony appropriate to the launch of a vaping franchise on a cross-channel ferry. Behind closed doors, a human pyramid of Senior Civil Servants assembled to brief the Prime Minister on "how to avoid disagreeable contact with militant far-left demonstrators." It was agreed that  in future, the PM's public appearances will be limited to early morning events. "He'll be safe as houses," said a spokesman for MI6, adding, "it takes Extinction Rebellion till mid-afternoon to sleep off all the Prosecco and crystal meth we send them."

10. Elsewhere in Eurasia, the 100-foot statue of Saint Greta Thinkborg erected at the entrance to the seaport of Rhodes amazed winter holidaymakers by weeping gigantic icy tears, many of which fell dangerously close to a flotilla of 'smart canoes' approaching the harbour from an overcrowded continent nearby. Grateful employment refugees swam the last hundred yards to shore, thanking both Allah and Elon Musk, who had donated the vessels as part of an international effort to relocate the population of Libya to Greece in time for Ramadan.

11. In more election fallout, Nigel Farage vowed to 'hang up his political spurs' in favour of a quiet life in the countryside, where he can be kept under 24/7 surveillance for his own protection. With a sombre-looking Alistair Campbell holding his elbow in a friendly clinch, Farage insisted this decision was made "entirely by myself with no help from any of the UK security services or its clandestine team of highly-respected murderers". The Brexit party leader laughed off a slew of photographs recently uploaded to the DarkWeb that appear to show a severed horse's head on the bed at his underground bungalow in Wrexham.

GORDON BROON

12. Dismissing comparisons with his far-right racist counterpart across the Atlantic as "fanciful," Boris "Buggery" Johnson explained away the dramatic new orange colour of his face (as seen in post-election selfies) as "a simple makeup blunder that every Old Etonian will understand." From the relative safety of a nuke-proof bunker/golf course in Montana, US President Donald Trump congratulated Britain's electorate on having "rejected the Jew-hating race-traitors who turned New Labour into the Broons Party," adding "I might buy Scotland, come to think of it."

God Bless Us, One and All!

Ian Andrew-Patrick