A New Government Dictionary for Covid Britain

The horrific, tragic, unacceptable death of 0.002 of people infected (perhaps) with Covid 19 has unfortunately required us to make urgent changes to the English language. Some of the most important are shown  below. 

As you may have noticed,

certain words -'freedom' for example- no longer mean what they used to. It is vital that all citizens become familiar with the new meanings. In the New Government Dictionary, the old meanings [OM], now meaningless, are printed in dismal brown, while the smart new government meanings are printed in attractive yellow.

          - Reich Chancellor Boris Johnson

 

 

 

 

PANDEMIC 

[OM]  an outbreak of a disease that occurs over a wide geographic area (such as multiple countries or continents) and typically affects a significant proportion of the population

New Government Dictionary: A Pandemic is the worldwide announcement of an unremarkable disease that typically allows governments to terrorise a significant portion of their population.     

 

SOCIAL DISTANCING 

[OM] a traditional English method of keeping one's economic inferiors at arm's length to avoid embarassment; example: "I told Tabatha to break up with that awful lad from the housing estate. He kept parking his Fiat Uno outside the drawbridge next to the stables."                                                       New Government Dictionary: Social Distancing is a crucial method of stopping people forming friendships or relationships that might lead to anti-government conversations; example: "Step back two metres, Rodney. Coronavirus cannot travel seven feet, the science is settled." 

    

ELECTRONIC TAGGING

[OM] a form of digital surveillance carried out on convicted criminals, using an electronic device, often attached to the ankle. Usually employed as a condition for early release from a prison sentence.          New Government Dictionary:Electronic Tagging is a digital surveillance app called Track and Trace, downloaded by people who think letting the state  record their every move is a great idea.

 

MODELLING

[OM] a harmless indoor activity, often involving the construction of cheap, miniature versions of large, expensive objects like trains, aircraft and soldiers.                                                                                New Government Dictionary: Modelling is a popular attention-seeking strategy used by lonely Oxford academics to attract funding and females. Usually involves a computer-generated plague that fails to materialise, followed by two bottles of Chardonnay.

 

NHS

[OM] the National Health Service - a taxpayer-funded organisation designed to supply UK citizens with health care, preventative medicines and treatments. Notably featuring Accident & Emergency departments where the sick or badly injured can recieve immediate help. 

New Government Dictionary: The NHS is a taxpayer funded corporation designed to supply drug  companies with unlimited profits. Notably featuring Accident & Emergency departments where British citizens can queue for hours behind people who have never paid tax in Britain and never will. As of March 2020, only Coronavirus patients are welcome on NHS premises.   

 

UNIVERSITY

[OM] a place where well-qualified school-leavers can go to engage with specialists and experts, while acquiring useful knowledge and skills to help them get highly-paid jobs in art, science, and industry.

New Government Dictionary:University is a place where any dumbski with a smartphone can access unlimited amounts of debt, casual sex, alcohol and  drugs, while acquiring STDs and idiotic illusions about Socialism that will render them unemployable. During a "pandemic" (see above) students may be imprisoned for lengthy periods at the government's pleasure.     

 

FURLOUGH

[OM] a period of time that a worker or soldier is allowed to be absent, especially to return temporarily to their own town our country; example: "Sergeant Jones is spending the next week with his family in Watford, arranging his mother's funeral. He's on furlough."

New Government Dictionary: Furlough is a scheme where the government gives imaginary money to people forbidden to do real work; example: "My Arnold spent the last four months watching Youtube videos and drinking Jaegerbombs in his underwear. He's on furlough". 

 

DEATH CERTIFICATE

[OM]   an official document signed by a qualified physician, noting the time, place and cause of death, where the cause of death can be determined.

New Government Dictionary: A Death Certificate is an official document signed by anyone prepared to write the words 'Covid-19' in capital letters.

 

WORKING FROM HOME ( WFH )       

[OM] -a form of employment which allows employees to contribute their services from their own home, avoiding the expensive and time-consuming effort of commuting. Most commonly found in the IT and computing sector.

New Government Dictionary:WFH is a government-sponsored scheme in which 21,000 teachers spend half an hour each day 'lecturing' on Zoom before binge-watching Netflix until wine o'clock.  

 

NECESSARY PRECAUTIONS 

[OM] - unavoidable actions that are undertaken to prevent unwanted events from occuring                 New Government Dictionary:Necessary Precautions means obliterating every small business in Britain, causing mass unemployment, smashing families and society into pieces, driving people to drink, drugs and suicide, terrifying children who are perfectly safe and giving tens of billions to drug companies run by fraudsters, in return for a vaccine that doesn't exist and won't work when it does. 

 

ENTERTAINMENT 

[OM] - any type of performance, exhibition or activity which stimulates or otherwise provides pleasure for one or more members of the public.

New Government Dictionary:Entertainment is a deadly practise which must be prevented at all costs. Typical lethal "entertainments" include sports, theatre, cinema, pubs, clubs, eating, drinking and every form of sexual encounter which should, if unavoidable, be done indoors, preferably alone, and in silence, the way we did at Eton.

 

SECOND WAVE 

[OM] - a wave which follows a first wave, as in, the next wave after the last one.  

New Government Dictionary: A Second Wave means the upcoming winter assault on the British economy that we promised you back in spring when it became obvious our Coronavirus scam was flopping. The Second Wave is a collection of lies and threats intended to crush every last one of you into submission.

 

Citizens are advised that under the Covid Emergency Act we made up yesterday, more words will be given new meanings whenever it is deemed necessary to spread alarm and confusion. Citizens are strongly urged to learn these new meanings and teach them to their children, friends and relatives. Prime Minister Johnson will have the final say on the meaning of all words, and SAS battalions have been placed on standby to quell dissenting voices. Download your copy of the New Government Dictionary today, before we make it illegal not to, and fine you £4,500 pounds. 

Ian Andrew Patrick