THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF COVID
Until recently, cynics were inclined to say that Islam was poised to fill the vacuum created by the collapse of formal religion in western democracies. Following the Pope's recent announcement that gay marrage is just dandy for top Catholics like him, it seemed the time had come to bury the ghost of Christianity once and for all. In recognition of this alarming leap into a faithless void, we asked a gathering of anonymous masked alcoholics in Aldi to pick their their own top Divinity for 2020, and the results make sensational reading. The votes are in, there's a runaway winner, and we have to say tough luck, Mohammed because it turns out the only God is Covid and ye can like it or lump it.
The Ten Commandments of Covid
I am the Virus and the Death and ye shall die of nothing else
Ye shall not make a craven image (no maskless selfies)
Ye shall not utter my name in vain ( "Fuck Covid" is hate speech)
Forget the Sabbath day (who he?)
Forget thy father and thy mother (they'll die in the nursing home)
Thou shalt not murder (that's the government's job)
Thou shalt not fuck around (see above)
Thou shalt not steal (see above)
Thou shalt not test false positive (never happens)
Thou shalt not covid
thy neighbours house
All told, the future's looking bright for this plucky young creed. Believers worldwide insist that the COCK (the Church Of Corona Knowledge) is now top religious dog, and Covid the One True virus which takes precedence over everything else on earth except Amazon. All the evidence seems to point that way, and indeed, the similarities between the young pretender and yesterday's man -Jesus Christ- go way past coincidence and into the realm of replication.
Like Jesus, the birth of Covid-19 was controversial, with an enormous effort being made to prevent Him happening at all. His actual origins are equally unclear, with a good deal of doubt regarding who should be held responsible for His arrival. Three Wise Men were soon in attendance (Ferguson, Vallance & Whitty) and rare, potent potions were assembled in His honour (cleansing spray, disinfectant, vaccines). From humble beginnings in a Wuhan bat-burger joint, Covid's fame quickly spread and people claimed to be seeing him all over the known world. The juvenile Covid, it was claimed, was capable of miraculous feats, with the ability to appear anywhere He wished. To general amazement, He also had the power to transform thriving economies into Venezuela overnight.
As with Jesus, in no time at all He (Covid) was percieved as a major threat by the ruling class, and plans laid for his elimination. Following a series of highly-publicised investigations, it was announced that He had been identified, tried and found guilty of killing every single person who died during the last ten weeks, and was condemned to suffer death by Lockdown. His image was nailed to a cross (section of newspapers) and sure enough he seemed to vanish sometime around July. After three months, however, He rose again in October (as predicted) and ascended into Heaven, where he now reigns supreme. His followers are commanded to make the sign of the Mask in all public places and carry out a series of mindless rituals every day in His honour.
Inevitably, some Doubting Thomases have challenged the doctrine of almighty Covid, claiming there is no definitive proof that He actually exists. They point to the undeniable fact that he never seems to appear in places without television or internet connections. Sceptics are also keen to suggest that if the faithful were not constantly preaching the Faith all day and night on every conceivable mass-media outlet, perhaps we might all completely forget Him.
Nevertheless, His immortality seems assured (at least for the time being) as hundreds of Covid churches (testing centres) are springing up everywhere that people exist, ensuring that His Presence on earth can be proved, every minute of every day, from here to eternity, Amen.
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