STUDY: Breathing Poses Significant Covid Transmission Risk

"Permanent lockdown might not be necessary after all," said a senior government source today, after researchers from HELL (the Health Experiments Lunchtime Laboratory) published a "game-changing" new study suggesting that Coronavirus can be "completely defeated" if humans are simply stopped from breathing. 

"It's a no-brainer" said a spokesman. Following months of "power-lunching" at a cost of just £18.5 billion, experts have uncovered evidence that Covid-19 is "almost never" found in areas where there is no air. "This is a real game-changer," said Professor Willum Clod, emerging from an emergency meeting of government advisory group SAGE (Scientists All Gates Employees). "Clearly, beating the air is the key to beating the virus, and as scientists, it's our job to come up with a viable, sustainable solution to the whole breathing issue." 

Options under consideration include (a) free suicide kits for all  (b) rebuilding all major cities under the sea, and (c)  moving the earth's population to a geodisic dome on the dark side of the moon. Scientist are not, however, ruling out more radical ideas.  Researchers at the Pfizer University of Knowledge Exploitation (PUKE) are reported to be re-engineering human lungs using discarded rugby balls which will inflate and deflate on exposure to fairy dust. "It's a lung shot," said a spokesbillionaire, "but you never know."  

THE SCIENCE IS SETTLED

In a prepared speech, Professor Mary Oik, head of Science Has It's Talent (SHIT)  told a secret meeting of interested persons, "Once you realise that air is the real problem, the only question is how to get the air out of the humans." Death Secretary Hatt Mancock was more blunt: "It's just not up for debate -the fact of the matter is, humans who have had their air removed are guaranteed to be Covid-free." Asked if air-removal would be optional or mandatory, the Minister was unequivocal. "Anyone who thinks they can breathe their way out of this has a surprise coming. Persistent breathers will be prosecuted, full stop. As long as one person is full of air, the entire world remains in deadly danger from Covid-19." 

PROFESSOR OIK

In an hour-long interview on BBC Radio Nine, Professor Oik revealed the incredible chain of events that led to her game-changing discovery. "It was a remarkable stroke of luck," she confessed. "The SAGE committee were at their wits end. We had almost run out of excuses for keeping the pubs closed, when somebody -I think it might have been Feel Nervouson- said, hang about, you know what's in every pub, don't you? Some idiot said "beer" but Professor Nervouson silenced him with a machete. AIR!! he yelled - there's AIR in every pub! 

 WE NEEDED PROOF

Obviously we couldn't just take this at face value- we're scientists, after all. We needed proof. So we thought about it, applied for a grant, did a month's research in an agreeable hot country, drew some graphs and after a long, very healthy debate, we arrived at a sensational conclusion. All the evidence pointed to one thing. Hospitals, care homes, cinemas, shops -and most of all, pubs- had one terrible weakness in common. They were full of air. But it was Professor Jimmy Von Camp who made the real breakthrough. Listen guys, he said, it's not just the pubs. It's us. US! We're full of it. And of course he was right. We're all full of it. From there on it was just a case of 44 billion quid's worth of computer modelling."

PROFESSOR KRITTY HAS A GOOD GRAPH

To gasps of astonishment and spontaneous applause, Britain's Senior Malpractice Offender, Professor Whis Kritty, unveiled an explicit graph demonstrating the likely result of removing air from the population. 

"Clearly we have to target the most vulnerable groups first," said Kritty, speaking on behalf of the Centre for Asphyxiating Surplus Humans (CASH) where he is Managing Director. "The plan is to phase air out gradually, beginning in the care homes and, moving on to the crowded inner cities as soon as possible. As you can see from the graph, we're anticipating a strong correlation between removing air and a drop in Covid infections. With the extraction roll-out starting in September, we should be able to empty about fifty-five million pairs of lungs by January 2022. And remember, once the air's gone, the virus is gone -it's game over. There will be no need for a second extraction. Or masks, come to think of it." Asked if there was any way to accelerate the air-removal programme, Professor Kritty was uncertain. "In an ideal world we'd prefer to take all the oxygen at once but there would be a very real danger  the NHS would be unable to cope with the inevitable steep rise in mortality."

ROLL OUT THE BARREL

County councils have cleared their desks for the nationwide roll-out of what they're calling the  Mass Asphyxiation Drive (MAD). Temporary walk-in air-extraction centres will be located in public parks, gymnasiums and golf-courses. A TV commercial promoting the centres will feature pop superstar Sting singing Every Breath You Take and Gary Linaker repeating the catch-prase "walk in & check out".  

 BREAKTHROUGH AT GSS

Meanwhile, Britain's world-beating billionaire boffins are betting the bank on experimental lung-deflation techniques. Vaccine behemoth Glaxo-Smut-Swine have long been at the cutting-edge of air-removal, and are rumoured to be leading the field in the race to corner the 'home-asphyxiation' market. Revealing an invention wittily nicknamed Asphyxia, GSS chairman Mickey Mousse was bullish. "Modelled on the traditional pillow, it's a hand-held, face-oriented air-restriction device with enormous potential," he said. "We're expecting to put this on the shelves for as little as thirty quid a pop. Asphyxia could be a real game-changer for families burdened with expensive elderly parents. You might say it was the Final Solution."  When rumours of the GSS breakthrough reached the stock-market, the company's shares tripled in value, which was great news for the SAGE committee who own 77% of the stock.  

THE LEADER SPEAKS

Prime Minister Boris Johnson will be addressing the nation on television tonight, and is said to be "extremely excited". Speaking at a hastily-convened press conference, Johnson declared "For too long Britain has been dependent on traditional inhalation for it's needs. If we are to hit our target of net zero carbon emissions by 2030 -and by golly we must- there is simply no alternative to a national programme of child-friendly, gender-neutral air-removal. From here on it's nil-by-mouth. "  Asked if this was supposed to be funny, the PM replied "Do I look like a clown?"

IAN ANDREW-PATRICK