RISHI SUNAK HAS MAGIC BEANS FOR YOU

I'm publishing this in advance of the so-called "budget" statement which will be made on Wednesday March 3rd by the Minister for Imaginary Money, Rishi Sunak. As promised, we shall take a closer look at the latest well-heeled chancer to squat in number 11 Downing Street while quacking loudly about the limitless heaps of (your) cash he'll be handing out like sweeties so long as you keep voting.

RISHI SUNAK, like Nadhim Zahawi, who we profiled last week, is a child of enormous privilege. But, just like the Minister for Vaccines, his actual origins are usually cloaked in idiotic anecdotal terms in a feeble attempt to obscure the silver spoon that was stuck right in his grinning gob from day one. What is it with these middle-eastern multi-millionaires, that they need so badly to pose as proles? Nowhere else but on Wikipedia would Sunak's obviously minted parents be described thus: his father was "a general practitioner" and his mother was a "pharmacist who ran a local pharmacy". Little people, see?  Richi's mum'n dad were a doctor and chemist, innit? 

WAITER MINUTE

Yeah, right. And that's why he went to school at the local Comprehensive, oh no hang on, in fact he was Head Boy at Winchester College -the oldest of England's notorious grand Public Schools. But in case you're getting the wrong idea, Wikipedia is proud to reveal the fibre of this terribly ordinary young man. Never mind that he was educated among the uber-posh and the super-rich, get this: during the summer holidays, Rishi "waited tables at a curry house in Southampton". Round of applause for the rangy  teenager polishing the plates to carry your Chicken Bhuna! You never know, he could be Chancellor of the Exchequer one day. I hope readers appreciate the delicious choice of language here -Rishi wasn't working in a restaurant, oh no. It was a curry-house.

Next stop was Oxford for quick PPE degree, funded, perhaps, by delivering takeaway Baltis on a moped, but don't quote me on that. Then it was goobye Blighty as Rishi set sail for cookery-college -oops, sorry, it was actually Stanford University in California, a notorious elite-club for the offspring of the Golden Ones. To give you an idea just how OTT this place is, at the last count, no less than 74 living billionaires are Stanford graduates. It was time for Rishi to put down the pickle-tray and join the dash for cash.   

LOVE IS BLIND

The catering industry's loss was, however, Wall Street's gain. Before you could say where's my poppadom Rishi fell helplessly in love with fellow student Akshata Murty. By a stroke of sheer luck, her dad happened to be an Indian billionaire. Pop smiled, blessed the unlikely union of the heiress and the fork-tender, and in less time than it takes to flip a chipati, Rishi Sunak had an office of his own at vampire squid HQ, Goldman Sachs, where he stayed three years. 

For men like Richi, the only was is up, so he waltzed into bed with with a successful British hedge-fund and soon became a partner. By 2009 he had learned the hedge-fund ropes, and a year later launched one of his own -THELEME PARTNERS with a couple of chums. Nothing too extravegant; they could only scrape together 700 million dollars to get the ball rolling. (We shall return to Theleme Partners shortly.) Rishi wasn't hanging about -at this point he was all of thirty years old. 

RICHI LUV YORKSHIRE

As we have described in detail before, the first stop for every ambitious fake politician on the business/government gravy-train is getting yourself elected to Parliament by standing in the safest possible seat. In 2013 Sunak "stood down" from his partnership post at Theleme (really?) and was, in 2014, "selected" to stand as MP for the constituency of Richmond, Yorkshire, which has been in Tory hands for over 100 years. 

Of course he was. Because who could possibly represent the interests of decent, down-to-earth Yorkshire folk better than a globetrotting Hindu hedge-fund manager married to the daughter of a foreign IT billionaire? Former Conservative Party leader William Hague cleared Rishi's path by kindly stepping down to make way for him. Coincidentally, in the same year, Rishi's billionaire father-in-law launched a joint venture between his own Catamaran Investments (on the board of which sat Rishi himself) and Amazon, no less. In 2015 Rishi was duly elected in Richmond and there he will stay as long as he likes.

By February 2020 Rishi Sunak had ridden Boris Johnson's reeking coat-tails to the top-table, and was Chief Secretary to the Treasury, which did not please the sitting Chancellor one bit. Sunak's (supposed) loyalty to Boris Johnson led (we are asked to believe) to the subsequent resignation of Chancellor Sajid Javid, and the installation of the world's most upwordly-mobile table-waiter in his place. 

SAJID KNOWS THE SCORE

Sources close to 99endOf suggest a more likely scenario is that Javid, who was (allegedly) the Deutschebank's man in Downing Street, jumped out of the hot-seat because he knew exactly what was about to hit the fan. Javid will, we predict, rise Phoenix-like from the ashes of the British economy that will be left in Sunak's wake. The Corona-carousel will stop turning eventually, and so will Rishi-Sunak's money-printing machine. "Furlough forever" has been the Sunak mantra, but soon enough the rug will be pulled from beneath the fantasy of the British economy and Rishi will gradually disappear back into the financial cess-pit from whence he came. He won't be short of a bolthole, as he currently owns one house in Yorkshire, another in Kensington and a flat in Santa Monica.

In 2020, it was repeatedly alleged that Sunak failed to properly disclose his financial operations and those of his wife and family in the Members Interests Register. Central to this is an apparent 1.7 BILLION  shareholding held by Rishi and his missus in INFOSYS, her daddy's golden goose. Infosys employs thousands of staff in the UK and has been awarded several government contracts. For more details of lucky Rishi and his doings, read the article titled Richer Than the Queen: CLICK HERE

 THE RICHEST MP EVER

Richi's eye for investment has served him well in his dash to the top of the financial heap, and the good news just keeps coming. Remember "Theleme Partners" - the hedge-fund he co-founded in 2009? Theleme is now valued at a whopping $39 BILLION. When asked to confirm if he still retained a "financial interest" in Theleme, shy young Rishi Sunak "declined to say". This is not a satisfactory answer right now, because Theleme Partners has a 500 MILLION dollar investment in Moderna -the second company to market a "Covid vaccine". 

Moderna's "95 percent effective" claim for its hastily-produced juju was quickly followed by a UK government order for five million doses. Orders from larger countries could generate colossal profits for hustlers like Theleme in the rapidly-growing Covid industry. If Sunak has indeed retained a financial interest the whole deal is as bent as three-bob note. If he hasn't, I'm a monkey's uncle. Sunak, however, notoriously operates his investment portfolio through a "blind trust" - a fancy name for a non-disclosure system that ensures you might as well be blind if you fancy a look at Richi's finances. In other words, it stinks. It is common knowledge in Westminster that Sunak is the richest MP in Britain, and possibly the richest ever.    

This then, is your me-first, hog-in-the-trough Chancer of the Exchequer; yet another preening rich-kid stashing hundreds of millions out of sight for himself and his chums even as the last hopes for your children's future are flung on the bonfire of handouts which he ignites with every stroke of his pen. In September an IPSOS MORI poll claimed that Sunak had "the highest satisfaction score" of any Chancellor since 1978. If true, this can only mean Britain's millions of public-sector workers think bribing people with magic beans conjured from the sky is smart economics. Alternatively, polls are utter garbage propaganda that should go straight in the bin.

LIFE ON A BUDGET

On March 3rd Sunak will -grinning and smirking- explain his latest "budget".  A concept laughable beyond irony, in a country where over 50% of "employed" people get their wages from tomorrow's unpayable debt. And it all it cost us was the freedom to live better than farm animals.       

In no way can Rishi Sunak be taken seriously as an English politician acting in Britain's interests. He is, in my humble opinion, an agent of INFOSYS and the hedge-funds, first and last, and his presence in the Cabinet is an insult to the UK public. But then again, insulting the public seems to be the point of government in 2021.

IAN ANDREW-PATRICK

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