SNAPSHOTS OF BEAUTIFUL BRITAIN (RANDOM NEWS ROUNDUP)

With impeccable timing, the useful idiots of the far-left coaltion went BLM-style bananas in Bristol last weekend, to protest the Policing Bill currently before Parliament. Home Secretary Priti Patel introduced this legislation ostensibly "to prevent public violence", although the actual wording appears to prevent any form of public protest at all. You might think a smart response to this latest authoritarian threat would not involve a mass attack on a police station.  

BRISTOL BURNING

One wonders just how much government slush money gets fed (under the table) to the organisers of these amazingly convenient riots. At Saturday's not-exactly-peaceful assembly, twenty cops were injured, two were put in hospital with broken bones, 12 police vans were destroyed  -several in flames- and a police station was kept under seige, its windows smashed and the building left covered in grafitti. All this under the auspices of a "demonstration" given the tactfully neutral title of #KillTheBill.     

By comparison, when thousands of protesters gathered at the gates of Downing Street in 2019 to protest the fascistic persecution of Tommy Robinson for the crime of journalism, no police stations were atacked or hospitalisations necessary. No vehicles were destroyed and no one was incited to Kill The Bill. Yet these protesters were excoriorated as "far-right extremists" and universally condemned.  

In marked contrast, Saturday's openly left-led mob assault was described (by mainstream outlets) variously as being "selfish" and "hijacked by a minority of extremists". That'll be the kind of "minority" that can surround a police station and torch a dozen large vehicles. Bristol's Labour Mayor, Marvin Rees felt obliged to say he "understood people's frustrations" which is clearly the kind of thing you say to get yourself elected by the notoriously seasonal rioters of Bristol who are polishing their bicycle-clips in preparation for war. 

Despite the astonishing level of violence against property and police, a total of seven arrests were made -one for every three injured officers, a remarkable demonstration of restraint by these unusually timid boys in blue. (This at the end of a week where a female OAP was dragged out of bed after midnight by police for having a cup of socially-distanced tea on the lawn with her neighbour.)

"No one had any indication it would erupt this way" said Andy Roebuck, chairman of the Avon and Somerset Police Federation. Perhaps Andy should be reminded that some months ago, when BLM rioters tore down a public statue in Bristol docks and rolled it into the harbour, the Bristol police stood back and did all but applaud. When police become political allies of far-left extremists, protestors know they are being invited to up the ante; and so they did. Well done, everyone.

Priti Patel will now undoubtedly get her wish, and all public protest of any kind will soon be criminalised. Of course, the law itself will be applied very selectively, as no doubt the well-paid leaders of BLM and XR are aware. Summer of Love, anyone?

SAINT GRETA OF WOKE

The statue-loving community hits back! The University of Winchester has commissioned a life-size bronze statue of Warming Harpy Greta Thinkborg at a cost of £23,000. It's a "very green university" said woke (but no longer broke)  sculptor Christine Charlseworth. For those wishing to attend, the formal unveiling ceremony will be held at Winchester campus on Tuesday 30th March. Everyone from pre-school Greta fans to idle demolition workers equipped with heavy toolkits will be welcome to show their appreciation. Activists are rumoured to be digging into the Thinkborg family history in search of links to slave-trading but as yet the statue promises to remain unmolested by the art-police wing of BLM.

99EndOf can exclusively reveal, however, that climate-sceptics are planning a dramatic "Churchillian"response to this bronze erection. According to sources in the fishing community, a team of six independent bio-engineers from Hull have created a species of gigantic, genetically modified seagull which can be remote-controlled from a smartphone. Each bird has a wing-span of 36 feet and a built-in GPS locator to allow precision shitting from almost a quarter of mile high. A spokesman said, "In trials we've been getting 100% hit-rate on targets as small as a little girl's head." The GM birds have been reared on a strict diet of mutton vindaloo and depleted uranium. Equipped with a squadron of only 16 monster gulls, the team expects pinpoint delivery of up to 12 gallons of armour-piercing guano per attack.

Artist's Impression

PASSPORT FOR A PINT

On Wednesday, PM Boris Johnson announced that in the near future, "pub landlords might ban customers without a vaccine passport". I was surprised to hear that, as in my experience pub landlords are rather more liberal than he thinks. Indeed, I'd say the average inner-city landlord welcomes  customers without manners, brains, toilet-training, eyes, legs, arms, or a vocabulary of less than six words. The only "passport" required for entering a pub is the price of a pint. Call me Sammy Suspicious, but I think the Prime Minister is trying to avoid saying "The government I run wants to ban unvaccinated people from pubs. If you take the vaccine, however, we will let you drink beer in public." So he pretended the landlords would be to blame instead.  My god this Johnson fellow is a cunning fiend. Smart to a fault, a brilliant public-school deciever. It's a full-time job trying to keep up with their complex Machiavellian wordplay. No wonder they run rings round the likes of us stoopid proles. 

CH-CH-CH-CH-CHANGES                                                                                    

In the East Midlands, an innocent public park has been taken over by an ugly range of telescreens and loudspeakers as part of a Covid-related  "art" installation  commissioned by Newark & Sherwood Council. Clearly having time and money to burn, these Covidian cretins have erected huge screens showing videos (on a loop) of people describing their lockdown experiences. And you can bet the annual Newark Council Arts budget that not a single dissenting voice is heard in this sickening hymn to the cult of covid. At the centre of their televisual abortion, a large array of posters is headed with the question   " HOW DO YOU THINK THE LAST YEAR HAS CHANGED YOU AS A PERSON?" (Art fans or masochists can view the work by clicking here).)

On viewing this video, I had to take a short break from the important business of manufacturing crossbows to ask myself, how, indeed, have we changed as persons? I turned to my partner, who was busy winding curtain-rope into useful nooses, and asked her :darling, how has the last year changed us as people?  There was a short pause and then she spoke. "We've hardly changed at all," she replied, "except for the weekly human sacrifice to Moloch and the four council employees we crucified in the orchard." We would have continued our conversation but at that moment the Amazon delivery van rolled up with a year's supply of shotgun catridges and a mile of razorwire.

RACIST BRITAIN 

Hundreds of schools in England are "reforming their curriculum to reflect the achievements of black and minority ethnic people and address the harmful legacy of colonialism". According to the Guardian, this has happened after "after a groundswell of demand from young people." I had no idea young people could alter the curriculum by making demands. Someone should tell them, because I suspect there will be plenty of demand for classes in  "video gaming for pocket money" and "porn for juniors" once word gets out. 

Now I don't often soil my brain with the Guardian, but it's a good idea to stay abreast of how far up themselves the left have got, in case you wake up one day and find that Party Membership is now compulsory and white people are obliged to wear the yellow star of shame. You wouldn't want to miss that kind of detail. So if this latest burst of racist claptrap disguised as"reform reporting" wasn't surprising, it was certainly good for a laugh. Somebody really needs to remind the Guardian that "journalism" is supposed to involve at least a teeny-weeny bit of objectivity. Even pretend objectivity would be nice.

But no, not where a project called The Black Curriculum is concerned. Nice title that - about as diverse as a red brick through your window, neighbour. Black, not white, got it?  Get this for journalism: "Orlene Badu of Hackney Education, who led the development of the project, said calls for change intensified during lockdown when children were studying from home and parents suddenly realised how un-diverse the curriculum was." 

Did you get that? When Lockdown happened, parents with schoolkids weren't going "fuck me I wish these kids were at school". They weren't screaming at the Covidian sky and shouting WHY ARE THE STUPID BASTARDS DOING THIS TO US?" 

THE ORACLE BADU

No, they were pondering the nature of racist Britain and thinking "we must change the curriculum". Lockdown wasn't an issue. The curriculum -that was the problem. Because "when children were studying from home, parents SUDDENLY REALISED how un-diverse the curriculum was." 

I didn't know any parents who thought this. Nobody I know knew anyone like this. But Orlene Badu knew this, according to the Guardian. And how did the Guardian verify the truth of Badu's remarkable claim to having read the minds of millions of parents nationwide? Well, she said so. That's right, Orlene said so, so there. No actual research needed. Journalism not required. Orlene has spoken.

Surely even the most hardened sceptic can picture the scene : 

"Blimey Fred, d'you reckon we'll ever get back to work? Mum's committed suicide. Dad's drinking paint-stripper for breakfast. This Lockdown's killing us!"

"Leave it out Gwen! Sod your Mum. Have you seen the year six curriculum? It's un-diverse. I'm going to phone  an obscure Primary school-teacher in Hackney and complain"   

We should, of course, be grateful to have the racially-obsessed highly ambitious Orlen Badu on call to help re-shape the very nature of British Education for several million schoolchildren of all ages, colours and kinds from Stornoway to Lizard Point. She is, after all, a qualified teacher. Readers will be delighted to learn that she has also recently set herself up as a "consultant" and can be hired (for lots of money) to lecture you and your peers about "unconscious bias" and other neo-Marxist perversions. Don't all ring at once.

Britain in 2021. I need hardly add that the Guardian "article" quoted above -actually a pile of divisive, verbose garbage- also  references "the murder of George Floyd". That being a fantastical leap into the journalistic unknown, as the death of the violent, drug-addicted thug in question is currently the subject of a trial which is a long, long way away from returning a verdict.  Truly, Guardian readers inhabit a parallel reality.  

That's all the news I can handle today. Bottoms up!

IAN ANDREW-PATRICK