The World Lockdown Organisation is Here to Help You

I've decided to start a World Organisation of my own. I suddenly realised what a truly stupendous racket that can be. You go to the office, scribble down the first mad idea that hits you, and offer it up as official advice to the entire world. What could possibly go wrong?

At last I see how I've been missing the boat all these years -thinking too small, too local. I've been wasting my precious time giving advice to friends, neighbours, the newsagent etc. In 2021 you've got to think big - think global. If you ran, for example, the World Woke Authority, your audience would be the whole planet. Problems with Wokery? Woke For Blokes? Got A Wokation? The World Woke Authority is here to help -and we're the authority, you better believe it. Haven't you seen our name? We're the WORLD authority on woke. It does what it says on the tin. 

WORLD is the magic word. It's the fast-track to the top of every tree. You get to go on TV and talk utter gibberish with a straight face and if you're strapped for cash Bill Gates will send you a few million- for the sake of the world. He's given dozens of millions to every other world organisation, so why not yours?

It helps to be topical, so after much thought and soul-searching I've settled on launching the World Lockdown Organisation. (Bags I get to be Chairman and sit in the big chair.) We'll have a press conference every Wednesday and invite SKY, CNN and the BBC. We'll give out free sandwiches to make sure everyone turns up.  An office junior will go out first till they get their cameras focussed and switch on all the microphones. After a bit he'll call for silence and announce 'The Weekly Lockdown update from the Chairman of the World Lockdown Organisation, Doctor Ian Andrew-Patrick'    (I've awarded myself a PhD in Lockdown Studies from Coprophile College, Oxford, so I'm a "doctor" now.) 

Before you know it I'll be all over the front pages, lead item on the News at 6, 10, midnight, across the globe, in airport lounges and coffee-shops, my face in close-up on five billion flat-screen tellies everywhere from Albert Square to Timbuctoo. 

 

I really should have thought of this before. It's a different world when you're head of a World Organisation. President Biden gets on the phone for a chat about masking his puppy-dogs. Time Magazine wants you for a nude cover-shoot. You get a  blue checkmark from Twitter and 120,000 followers just for opening an account. One big upside is that running the World Lockdown Organisation will guarantee I'll never have an argument ever again, because anyone who dares to disagree with me will be slung off Youtube and banned from social media. 

 

 

It's not as if I'd have to stay on topic either. As a World Organisation Chief you get to give your opinion on absolutely anything. Honestly, you do. Only the other day the CEO of Google was telling the people of India "Regarding your Covid crisis the worst is yet to come". To hear him talk you'd think it was Google themselves  running the crisis, I mean, honestly. Then I saw Bill Gates on the TV saying 'the world should be back to normal by next year' but I guess he would know, wouldn't he, considering he owns so much of it. Because really, he does.

I'd imagine being Head of the WLO will involve a lot of travel -conferences and the like. The World Economic Forum will obviously want some input, which is fine. I've got a few very specific ideas for their boss Klaus Schwab, as it happens, although I'd prefer to explain them in a one-to-one scenario. 

As for the World Health Organisation, they'll probably never leave us alone -I mean we're made for each other aren't we? Health and Lockdown - we'll be the Torvill and Dean of Covid. If I hadn't already launched the WLO I expect the WHO would have had to invent us.

According to a (half-wit juvenile) journalist at Scientific American, the WHO have discovered that flu has 'disappeared' since Covid came along. It's because "anti-Covid measures" prevent flu , you see. Anti-Covid measures being masks and lockdown, of course. If that isn't a good reason for permanent lockdown I don't know what is. Which is why I'm planning to build the WLO headquarters facing a beach in  Barbados. (My neighbour Fred has some insane conspiracy theory that all the flu-deaths were re-labelled as Covid deaths and the pandemic is a hoax. There'll be no place for his sort in the WLO, mark my word).     

I expect the WLO could easily partner up with the World Wildlife Fund too, as lockdowns are the best possible way to save rare animals from extinction. Humans just don't get nature, do they? Given the freedom to roam at will, the citizens of Barnsley, for example, hunt and kill over 12,000 rabbits every single month to supplement their takeaways. (Source: the World Lockdown Organisation). So I'd imagine the WWF might be up for bunging us a few million under the counter to push for a rhinoceros-friendly ten-year lockdown ASAP.  

We'll have our own magazine of course -Lockdown Life- with handy hints to get readers through the next few years. Lots of full-page pictures -happy, smiling Prozac-addicts drawing flowers on their shoes, obese kids building scale-models of the Taj Mahal out of empty cigarette packets, you know - a mag for the whole family. The key to selling magazines is plenty of snappy, eye-catching headlines, and I'm confident Lockdown Life can deliver those. Problem Drinkers Have More Sex...Twelve Great Pets That Eat Wallpaper...Telepathic Cooking Is Real...How The Experts Postpone Suicide...Who Needs Dentists Anyway?  That kind of thing.

It's inevitable that I'll be invited to address the United Nations -no way round it really- but that's only going to be good for business. I can get plenty of selfies at the after-party...Dr Andrew-Patrick swapping masks with Bono, Dr Andrew-Patrick playing chess with the Pope, Dr Andrew-Patrick eating whale-steak with Greta Thunderberger... let's face it, you're not much of a World-class CEO until you're all over the Daily Mail posing with cock-rockers, paedophiles and the Doom Goblin.

Anyway I expect I'll be too busy soon to continue blogging -the World Lockdown Organisation won't a part-time job, believe me. But I know readers will understand that a man can only spend so much of his life throwing rocks at institutional corruption and globalist sociopaths. There comes a point when you have to plan ahead, and as they say, "when god closes a door he also opens a window." But I like to think that when the WLO closes your door, we'll throw away the key and board up the windows too. 

Dr Ian Andrew-Patrick  

[Chairman & CEO : World Lockdown Organisation]