MIGRANTS TO COLONISE THE MOON BY 2030

In a dramatic announcement, Home Secretary Priti Patel unveiled her latest can't-fail plan to halt illegal immigration to the UK with a dramatic announcement far more dramatic than the last seven. "Yes, I have made dramatic announcements to halt immigration before," admitted Patel, "but I believe the British public will recognise the theatrical value of an Easter dramatic announcement. So I am proud to announce that as of July 2027 we will be partnering with Elon Musk and Amazon to put migrants on the moon".

The backlash to Operation Green Cheese was immediate and came from both the right and left wings of the Parliamentary Dodo. "I'm shocked and furious," said Labour chief Kier Starmer, "that we didn't think of this first. Not only does Green Cheese migration allow for a historic expansion of the UK's otherwise  pointless space program, it means the first LGBTQ#2+Kfc refugee moon-citizen will be black, non binary and British."

PRAISE FOR PRITI

Prime Minister Boris Johnson was uninhibited in his support for Patel's spectacular  intiative. "Any absurd idea that takes the spotlight off me and my dismal failings can only be good news for Britain," he said, adding "there were no lockdown parties, and I didn't attend them, except for three and that was for team-building purposes."

Speaking from a heavily-guarded cellar in Devon where he is kept in chains awaiting the assassin's bullet, Ex-Prime Minister David Cameron endorsed Home Secretary Patel's dramatic announcement with a promise to keep his mouth shut about the deal he helped arrange for the Patel family to pay 1p tax every year on their annual income of £3.5 billion.  

Health and Wealth Secretary Sajid Javid added his voice to the chorus of Green Cheese approval, stating "I used to be Home Secretary once -and the Chancellor, too. Isn't it my turn to be Prime Minister yet?"

GUESSTIMATES

Government estimates for 2030 predict that dinghy-arrivals on Britain's south coast will have risen to around 5000 per week. Asked to clarify the details of how Britain will transport 20,000 unskilled men in tracksuits 238,855 miles across deep space every month, Patel was firm but unapologetic. "These are questions for the lawyers, the European Court, the United Nations, the Pope and of course, Elon Musk himself. I couldn't possibly comment, except to say that customers of Amazon Prime will get priority seating." 

INFRASTRUCTURE

In return for a taxpayer-funded loan of £1.5 trillion, Persimmon Homes have agreed to supply an intial 250,000 three-bedroom red-brick semi-detached houses and 75,000 bungalows, subject to planning  permission. All will be carbon-zero dwellings, powered entirely by solar panels. A Persimmon spokesman was upbeat about the project "We consulted with the top astro-psychics boffins," he reassured space-bound migrants. "They were unanimous that we'll get plenty of solar power as long as we don't build on the dark side of the moon."

Far-right white-supremacist critics pounced, claiming that Operation Green Cheese won't even be running for another eight years yet, suggesting that the entire announcement was "just another pathetic attempt from Patel to pretend she's doing something about immigration, while secretly enriching her friends and relatives in industry". 

"Nonsense," replied the Home Secretary, "if we'd wanted to do that I'd have announced we were shipping the migrants to somewhere crazy like Rwanda."

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"text-align: left;">Ian Andrew-Patrick