EXCLUSIVE: Leaked Copy of Johnson's 2023 General Election Speech
99Endof is proud to offer you exclusive access to what our sources believe is a LEAKED DOWNING STREET DRAFT of a speech being prepared for Prime Minister Boris Johnson to deliver in the run-up to the next general election. The speech is apparently targeted at an audience of hand-picked year-six pupils from respectable schools in the Home Counties. Certain portions appear to have been redacted due to their highly confidential and controversial nature.
Hi folks! It's great to be here at [to be decided] and to see such a fine, diverse assembly of ambitious, well-groomed and decidely non-binary youngsters! (pause for laughter). These are -as I'm sure you know- strange times, with our beloved planet hurtling towards an unavoidable climate catastrophe.
A catastrophe due entirely to the awesomely stupid, selfish behaviour of your parents, I might add. I know the challenge of being young has never seemed so frightening. Because, let's face it, your future is completely, utterly fucked. Ha ha. Only kidding. But if you listen -very carefully- and follow government guidelines, there's a slim chance it might just be a nice little earner for all of us, ha ha. Only kidding.[repetition?]
That's why it's vital that all young people understand the importance of being vaccinated, boosted and special. You may not realise how very special you are, but -believe me- the government knows better. There are over 500 pages of 'becoming special' advice on the YouGOV website -in fact it's never been so easy to get special.
To begin with, anyone aged under 16 needs to join the LGBTQP23*+GovBorg. There is no faster route to get yourselves up and running in the special olympics. Unless you are lucky enough to meet the Right Honorable *REDACTED*REDACTED*REDACTEDREDACTED* discreet location in Whitehall.
An alternative and equally attractive option is to discover you are not entirely white. Non-whiteness is very special indeed, and a major step towards a career in politics, further education, science or media. If you're not actually..er...black, you can always pair up with a black or blackish person and *REDACTED*REDACTED* weed on the fast track to super-special. [rewrite needed here?]
As I imagine you learned at primary school, mental instability is very much the way forward in the 21st century. I know that homework can be tiring, challenging, and confusing. That's why my government has taken pains to re-imagine education, keeping the emphasis on *REDACTED*, public masturbation and an all-out assault on heteronormative behaviour. But let's be clear, homework wasn't much fun for me at Eton either. [pause for laughter, applause and shouts of "Up Boris!" from pre-placed Young Conservatives]
But seriously, when the weekend comes, don't just fritter away your precious hours on pointless games, hobbies and random socialising. Science can show you a better way -a Conservative way. Our hand-picked experts at SAGE are unanimous in advising all under-16s to avoid any and all activities requiring concentrated effort or physical exercise. Like Prime Ministers, health and fitness comes in all shapes and sizes. And as a butcher friend of mine used to say, "fat means flavour".
According to a recent study undertaken by Spam College Oxford, a better option than exercise is to take a deep dive into your psyche, where you're sure to find an imaginary friend -or perhaps a teacher willing REDACTED*REDACTED* and as a result, develop a terrible mental-health issue which in later life, you can blame for everything you never achieved. And that could be a lot.
Fear not. By 2030, our world-beating, budget-busting NHS will have a fantastic range of medications and surgeries available at competitive prices (Terms and conditions apply). Before you know it you will not only have a reason to live, but also a very important, very personal addiction. Drug abuse -as every parent knows- brings its own peer-group, a stimulating social life, and all the pills you can eat.
Growing up, I can assure you, is not all wine, roses and reconstructive surgery. If by chance your well-researched plan for becoming an online poker billionaire by 19 doesn't work out, you can always switch to posting nude dance-videos on Tik Tok. As Albert Einstein famously said "life is a unicycle, not an Instagram thread." [fact-check this?]
Yes, there may be hiccups on the way to the Tok. Whether you find yourself with an annoying crack hangover, trapped in a spell of long-term unemployment or doing a three-year stretch for assault with a machete, do not -ever- despair.
Despair, I can tell you from personal experience, is the choice of losers, fat-boys and fans of Leeds United. At your lowest ebb, you must spin the wheel, take the plunge and trans yourself into a brand new job or... [dramatic pause] a brand new jail! [applause] Where the rubber meets the road, we must reject frustration and choose castration! [pause for cheers, shrieks and chanting of "Trans Me! Trans Me Now!]
And remember, once you have made the choice to become special, you'll find that the government is there for you -so long as you are there for the government. Especially when jab-week, mask-month and the general election comes around. As we often say at cabinet meetings, dependence is liberty, furlough is forever and who needs a car anyway?
It's crucially important that we don't underestimate the enormous power a cunning chap can acquire by exaggerating problems to the point where fear trumps rationality. On the path to wisdom, sooner or later we must all accept that it takes a particular combination of threats and bullying to run a racket like this one.
As you will learn all too soon, adulthood brings responsibilities -to ourselves, to each other, and to the colossal debt you will run up studying gender unicorn theory. Not to mention the staggering tax bill you will recieve in the unlikely event you ever get a job. Responsibilities also, to the WHO, the UN, the WWF, the WEF, the NHS, and of course to the planet itself. [some editing needed?]
At this point -on the very cusp of maturity- you have no viable alternative but to start blaming and shaming the guilty ones. You know who I mean -the social deviants who see everything as a conspiracy. Yes, I'm talking about those miserable ant-vax loony-tunes who think Climate Change is a hoax, taxation is theft and Twitter isn't the real world. They even believe in some ridiculous nonsense about a "Great Reset" and pretend that all top politicians have been ordered to say Build Back Better three times a week on TV.
I can assure you that we have a detailed plan for dealing with such rebels, incorporating elements of *REDACTED*REDACTED* weather permitting, obviously, and *REDACTED*REDACTED*REDACTED*REDACTED* facility in the communist Republic of China. We are confident none of the animals will experience any cruelty. Indeed, according to the World Wildlife Fund, this represents a unique opportunity for them to indulge the natural instincts of all predatory species.
On the subject of the animal kingdom, I have a very simple message for you today, and one that I'm sure will strike a chord in your hearts and minds, as potential movers and shakers in the global future. You must stop eating chickens, cows, pigs and sheep, period. That's it. Finito.
There is so much more I'd like to say, but time is short. As I'm sure you can imagine, being Prime Minister is a very difficult, stressful job and it's very nearly wine o'clock ha ha.
For many weeks now our thoughts have understandably been centred on the general election which, as you know, is scheduled to be held a mere [?] days from now. With that in mind, I'd like to make a couple of important excuses for stuff you may have heard, but probably don't understand.
My political opponents have made a disgraceful habit of reminding the public that some of my colleagues -and indeed myself- have been convicted of breaking certain Covid Laws - albeit in exceedingly small, technical ways that were both harmless and understandable.
However, to put this in perspective, I would remind everyone that in the current era of Conservative government, over thirty percent of all Members of Parliament have convictions for genuinely criminal acts ranging from fraud, theft and drug abuse to sexual assault, rape and pedophilia. [percentage seems a bit low? please check] Against this background of sordid debauchery, a couple of beers during lockdown doesn't sound quite so terrible does it?
Finally, I would like you to remember this. Although you yourselves are too young to vote, your parents -if you have any- are probably not. And I have a message for them which I hope you will take home with you -if you do in fact have a home.
This morning I recieved an email from the Bill Gates Institute of Global Jabberwocky, and I am proud to announce the arrival -here in Britain- of SARS-Cov 2023 -the 'Jamyou Ranus' variant of Covid. [pause for gasps of shock]. It is my solemn duty to declare the beginning of Pandemic Two. While I must certainly appeal for terror, there is absolutely no need for panic. We have been here before. We have faced the deadly virus threat, stood tall and jabbed it right in the eye.
To combat the totally global nightmare of Pandemic Two the UK government will act swiftly and decisively. As of nine p.m. this evening I am instituting a nationwide lockdown. We will be closing all shops permanently, with the obvious exception of Amazon, Tesco and the Chinese takeaway van on Westminster Bridge. Parks, churches, the seaside, fields, gardens and other public spaces will be off limits to citizens for a minimum of eighteen months [could go for longer?].
Pandemic Two regulations will be enforced by armed commando patrols on every street corner and dissent will be punishable by death. All doctors, nurses and care-workers will be sent home from midnight tonight, at which time the hospitals will be closed until spring of 2024. With this one decisive step, we can save the NHS forever.
On a positive note, door-to-door compulsory Jamyou Ranus vaccinations will commence at dawn tomorrow morning. Booster-jabbing will begin the following day. Households found to contain more than three adults will be dispersed and redistributed to gender-neutral quarantine camps in Wolverhampton, Luton, and the Isle of Man/Woman/Other.
Sadly, this means that to my great regret, the 2023 General Election must be put on hold until Pandemic Two has run its course. Parliament will of course be suspended indefinitely until we are confident the virus has passed its sell-by date subsided. God Save the Queen. Do not be afraid. New, vitally important social-engineering techniques have been developed, and the mistakes of 2020 will never happen again. I promise you, we will apply everything we learned from Covid to Jamyou Ranus.
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