ZELENSKY NOMINATED FOR PRESIDENT OF THE WORLD

You once thought the New World Order was just a  conspiracy theory. Then came Covid, and global health-tyranny. Klaus Schwab revealed his Great Reset plan. You woke up and realised the race to a One World Government was already underway. Perhaps, in a quiet moment, you wondered who on earth would be chosen to lead that fledgling global regime. Well, 99EndOf is proud to announce that -as of today- we are formally nominating the most popular premier in history to sit upon that exalted throne. Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for the internationally adored character-actor you already know and love- Volodymyr 'Zelbo' Zelensky-future President of The World!  

 

Why Zelensky? Let me ask you people, if not he, then whom? If not now, then when? There's no business like showbusiness and Zelensky's moment has come. There is a time and tide in the affairs of men and right now the HMS Zelensky is riding the crest of a noble, global tidal wave -in his head, if nowhere else. He is the physical and digital embodiment of all that tastes good, albeit in the mind of a twelve year-old. But if it's good enough for juveniles, it's good enough for thee.  

Nothing global is complete without a thick, greasy dollop of Zelensky on top. World Economic Forum meeting at Davos? Cue the visibly virtuous, virtual Zelensky, large as life and cute-but-casual in his trademark green t-shirt, subliminally evoking both army-surplus and eco-chic. A universal soldier, such as the folk-singer Donovan might have imagined after a ten-day diet of peyote and LSD.

Eurovision song contest? It's a given that Ukraine wins by a landslide -but we all know Zelensky wrote the tune (secretly coached by Peaceful Paul McCartney). World Health Organisation video-conference? Well blow me down, the screen is filled by Zoomer Zelensky inviting universal support and sympathy -and getting both in spades. Even as I write these words, the Magnificent Zelbo is mass-emailing the population of Africa inviting everyone to send him £25 dollars to preserve democracy. Paypal and Patreon accepted. 

Please -for Ukraine's sake- don't get the idea that Zelbo is an unreachable celebrity recluse. Despite the awesome demands of running the Most Terrible War Ever -singlehanded, and in charity-shop clothes- eastern europe's multi-millionaire President Smiley-Face is available for four hours every weekday for celebrity selfies and personal video-messaging. Just ring the premium-rate hotline Kash For Kiev [calls charged at $5000 per second] or email Zelbo himself - smarmycreep@gmail.com. 

 

Are you hosting an international arms-fair / trade conference / beauty pageant? Call Zelensky and he'll be there -for a limited time only. Only yesterday he was larging it at the annual revolutionary rave the white supremacists hold at  Glastonbury. He was on Da Big Screen of course- spreading the Zelbo message of...emm...gimme tons of free money and weapons to fight an endless unwinnable fake war against a nuclear-equipped superpower that could wipe out my entire nation in the blink of an eye. If that isn't world-class Presidenting then what is?      

Oh, what miracles Winston Churchill could have worked if world war two had been fought with the tools available to Zelensky. As the Blitzkreig burst upon France, a thirty-foot image of  brandy-swilling Winnie would have appeared on giant screens outside Notre Dame Cathedral, exhorting terrified Parisians to fight to the last baguette, mes amis! When Poland was overrun and Nazi overlords installed, Churchill would have flown in Vera Lynn and Bing Crosby to sing We'll Meet Again backed by the Jewish Resistance Choir in an air-raid shelter-show titled Warsaw's Got Talent. (And flown them out again in time for tea at the Ritz). When the Blitz began raining fiery hell on the slums of  Whitechapel, every eastender in London would have got a personal text from the Britain's legendary Bulldog PM: WE'RE ALL IN IT TOGETHER - COR BLIMEY. KEEP YER CHIN UP AND WHEN THE REF BLOWS FOR FULL-TIME WE'LL HAVE A RIGHT OLD COCKNEY KNEES-UP. YOUR PAL, WINSTON 'THE GUVNOR' LOL - cigar emoji.

NOBODY DOES IT BETTER

You probably have your own ideas about which of the current crop of political brainiacs should lead the first ever Global Government. (Due to arrive within eight years, courtesy of the United Nations Agenda 2030 > CLICK HERE to read it). But can you seriously propose any candidate with better credentials than the monstrously marketable Zelbo?  

Even though they've got all the money between them, nobody is going to accept an Arab, a Chinaman or Bill Gates. Trudeau's too Castro, Johnson's too fat, Macron's too fucking French, Biden's been dead for six months and Tony Blair's too busy conjuring demons in a cellar beneath the Pyramid at Gaza. The Bush family have run out of clones and the Clintons have already killed all the pedophiles who might have helped them win a Global Election. 

Let's be honest, it's Zelensky or no-one. He's young, slippery as a tadpole and cool enough to come out as trans if that's what's needed to push him over the line to global dictatorship. He's a lifelong luvvie, a CIA sock-puppet, and a secret multi-millionaire. He's fairtrade and funky -a monkeypox-free superstar, and he don't wear ties. The One World Government needs a once in a woketime leader, and Zelbo is that rare, precious flower in the garden of politipants.

When the time comes (and it will) vote often and vote Zelbo. You know it makes cents. 

Ian Andrew-Patrick

99endof supports no political party or ideology. The individual is what matters here, and the freedoms for which we are now obliged to fight.
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