Brains Fried First in England's Climate Inferno

Sunshine -the greatest existential threat ever- has pushed Russia and Monkeypox onto the back-burner. On the front-burner is a row of blackened walnuts that used to be the brains of Britain's top politicians. Yesterday, the terrifying news broke that England can expect a couple of sunny days in July 2022. As if belching from the mouth of Hell itself, giant fireballs will appear, melting tall buildings as tourists burst into flame on the streets. Carbonised corpses will smoulder on the pavements as the river Thames evaporates, leaving a bone-dry trench snaking through the charred remains of London. 

A 'national emergency' has been declared as England braces for the hottest day ever seen anywhere on the planet in recorded history. Deep in a secret underground bunker sculpted from an ice-block the size of Wembley stadium, government ministers attended a special  meeting of the COBRA (Chop Out Brains Right Away) committee. After assessing the situation for ten full sandwiches, a statement was released, outlining COBRA's three-step 'firebreak' plan to avert total disaster.

PRAY TO ALLAH

FLEE TO THE SEA

CARRY BOTTLED EVIAN WATER AT ALL TIMES *

* (Statement includes paid promotion)

Ministers were notably reluctant to discuss contingency plans for the disposal of hundreds of thousands of scorched human bodies. "We'll do what has to be done," said an anonymous civil servant carrying an asbestos romper-suit and a spade. Matt Hancock, the recently-appointed Minister for Climate Hysteria was more forthcoming. "The 2022 heat event will be like nothing the earth has ever seen" said the disgraced former Death Secretary. "Liverpool will burn like a torch and the Lake District will become an uncrossable desert."

Elsewhere in the Daily Mail, animal experts were predicting that "camels would probably be okay," but on the other hand, "long-haired cats might swell up and explode like balloons." Asked what could possibly have triggered the impending English Holocaust, Professor Bull Pump from the MetOffice pulled no punches. "It's those working-class bastards driving around in Skodas full of meat kebabs and disposable barbecues. They've spent their whole lives acting like the world isn't on fire -and now it's their turn to get cooked. A sudden agonizing death is the very least they deserve."

At Westminster Abbey, the Archbishop of Wokebury took a break from rehearsing the Transgender Migrant Men's Choir to lead the twelve apostles of Extinction Rebellion in a prayer to Saint Greta. "She told us this was coming," he lamented, "but we had not the ears to hear." The Archbishop was later spotted leading a procession of animals two at a time onto a large wooden vessel moored at London Bridge.  

THE HILLS ARE ALIVE

Speaking from the Werewolfplatz, his secret lair in the Alps, World Economic Forum  chief Klaus Schwab was philosophical. "Zis vos only to be eggzpected," he shrugged. "Vee haff long warned of zee ineffitabble Klimate Katastrophe und now iss here." 

Schwab was, however, upbeat on the prospects of a swift recovery. "I am soon to be publishing my new book- Inferno-22 :The Great Re-Heat " he announced. "Zis unstoppable, hellish conflagration vill act as a cleanzing agent, und sweep away ze last remnants of a decaying Empire. Ze prospect of seeing England burning to ashes has alzo -I vill confess-  a certain historical appeal. Ze inferno represents a once-in-a-generation opportunity to re-construct Britain along superior, Teutonic lines. We can, I promise, Build Back Better. I mean, haff you seen Luton recently? Und as for Rochdale...Mein Gott!"

Ian Andrew-Patrick

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