Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Britain's Got Tories

It's hard to see what conceivable difference the Prime Minister's resignation makes to anything real. I don't hear people in the street complaining that Britain is doomed without the Dear Leader. If the next chump-in chief is some woman nobody heard of until yesterday, instead of one of the Asian millionaires littering the conservative cabinet, what does that do to the price of milk? A new stooge will be in Downing Street reading the weekly Climate Crisis lesson and leading the prayers for Saint Zelensky.

Apparently the 'leadership contest' is set to progress into its final novelty phase of two live televised events on Friday and Sunday. Which suggests the public's appetite for political psycho-babble won't quite stretch to giving up the now traditional Saturday night binge-drink. Why on earth would anyone want to waste their Friday night listening to a clutch of Westminster wetbacks reading their homework? Television and I have been strangers these last twenty years but I'm sure Britain's Got Tories will be just as execrable as the usual muck spewing from the rectangular eyesore that decorates every other wall in the known world.

WHO WANTS TO BE A BILLIONAIRE?

If the idea is to 'engage the public' I'd think a multiple-choice quiz would be the answer, with Chris Tarrant specially exhumed for the occasion to pop the questions. These should be simple but to the point; answers designed to give viewers a glimpse into the political philosophy of the contestants. For example...

IT'S YOUR FIRST DAY AS PRIME MINISTER. UNDER THE BED IN NUMBER 10 DOWNING STREET YOU FIND A BILLION POUNDS IN A SUITCASE. DO YOU -

(a) Offer 1000 doctors a million quid each to actually turn up for work

(b) Fly to Ukraine and get a selfie as you hand the cash to President Zelensky

(c) Phone Boris Johnson and tell him you found an empty suitcase

IT'S SEPTEMBER AND THE PRICE OF PETROL IS NOW TWO POUNDS FIFTY A LITRE. DO YOU:

(a) Hang yourself in the loo

(b) Buy a Rolls Royce using your wife's name

(c) Send an oil-tanker to President Zelensky

IT'S OCTOBER AND 100,000 YOUNG MALE IMMIGRANTS HAVE COME ASHORE SINCE YOU BECAME PRIME MINISTER. DO YOU:

(a) Open a chain of government brothels

(b) Invite the entire population of Ukraine to move to Wales

(c) Invite the population of Wales to move to Ukraine

IT'S TIME FOR A GENERAL ELECTION AND YOU NEED A MANIFESTO. DO YOU:

(a) Print millions of fake votes and steal the election

(b) Make up special new lies

(c) Try the same lies that worked last time

THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANISATION ANNOUNCES A NEW GLOBAL PANDEMIC CALLED HIDEOUSDEATHPOX. DO YOU:

(a) Announce you have caught it and take the week off

(b) Close all NHS hospitals until the vaccines arrive

(c) Make face-masks mandatory for farm animals

A CABINET MINISTER IS ARRESTED WHILE PERFORMING A SEX-ACT ON A PREMIER LEAGUE FOOTBALLER IN A VOLVO CONTAINING EIGHT KILOS OF HEROIN. DO YOU:

(a) Describe him as 'courageous and inspirational'

(b) Invite him to dinner

(c) Blame climate change

DURING AN INTERVIEW ON BBC ONE YOU ARE ASKED "WHAT IS A WOMAN?". DO YOU:

(a) Give the answer "an adult human female"

(b) Make a long incomprehensible speech including the words identify / gender / non-binary / "pregnant people" and "chest-feeding"

(c) Wet your pants and leave without speaking 

HOW WOKE CAN YOU BE?

Sadly, the reality of a televised Tory talent-contest is guaranteed to fall well short of such in-depth interrogations. Instead, expect the eager PM wanabees to be fed a series of softball invitations to spout their well-rehearsed credentials...

What are YOUR plans to tackle the dreadful threat of catastrophic climate change? 

What steps would YOU take to help overcome the systemic racism that keeps British People of Colour under the jackboot of white privilege? 

How soon will you make it illegal to do anything at all that does not put the LGBTQ$KFC&bar community at the front of the queue? 

Why can't Pride Month last three months? 

Why don't women footballers get £300,000 a week? And so on...

Apart from reciting the Woke catechism, contestants will strive to conquer the vital art of appearing humble, decent and honest. Which is going to put Rishi Sunak in a bit of a pickle, as he's the most filthy-rich politician in British history, uses his wife as a tax-evasion dodge and was convicted (alongside Johnson) of breaking the Covid laws.

As nothing ever changes in politics, it's logical to assume that history will repeat itself. The last time the conservative party hounded its own leader out of office, the chosen replacement was a political nonentity with zero baggage. When Thatcher was replaced with Major, the party had swapped its Iron Lady for a Cardboard Cut-out. Given that Johnson was arguably the most embarassing conservative PM ever, I'd imagine the puppet-masters who actually decide these theatrical 'contests' will select the least flamboyant, most inoffensive lap-dog they can find.

It's a measure of their contempt for the public that the political class think putting a new sock-puppet in front of the teleprompter will represent some kind of 'antidote' to the three years of abuse Britain has just endured. It's not difficult to imagine a scenario where the next general election results in the smallest voter-turnout in living memory. There was always a large group of refusniks who were too disillusioned to vote at all. This time round they will be joined by an equally large number filled with downright loathing for the entire assembly of political candidates.

The Conservatives have governed like Blairites on steroids. The Labour Party is struggling to get further to the left than Johnson & co have already gone. Downtrodden, broke and bitter, the voters are looking at a choice between Communist Lite or Communist Large. This winter the long-promised food shortages and power blackouts will begin -and then perhaps we shall see how far the people can be pushed. A triple whammy of darkness, hunger and lockdown might just prove the last straw for a country already vanishing before our eyes. Changes are coming, and they are unlikely to be of the pleasant variety. 

As for the Tory leadership bunfight, it's obvious who's going to win. In every meaningless personality contest, victory goes to the one with the best hair. Penny Mordaunt, by a street. 

Ian Andrew-Patrick

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