Prisoners of the Internet Playing Outrage Bingo
Having tiptoed away from TV-watching twenty years ago, I trotted out into a decade of blissful reality. Deep in the heart of a countryside I barely understood, I found magic in the green outdoors. Rejecting sofas and flickering screens I chose muddy boots and cloud shadows swirling overhead. I snubbed the jabberings of box-people; patrolled the fields and riverbanks instead. In wild, hidden valleys on foot and horseback, for years I revelled in delirious freedom. But the bastards sent the internet out to catch me, and like a fool I stumbled into their trap.
DIARY 2022
Wednesday August 24 - 2022 - 6 a.m. Put the kettle on, fire up the Galaxy A20, launch a mobile hotspot, connect my laptop via the VPN. (What does that gobbledigook mean? asks a voice in my head, -it's my own voice, from 1990.) Check all headlines for the daily apocalypse: war, plague, famine, destruction... A sprinkling of each, as usual. Youtube wants me watching cats, sharks and comedy but I'm too smart for them. Navigate my way to American news, Canadian commentary, a bit of jazz music to wake the brain.
Next up is online housekeeping: just a handful of messages. There's only one email account left that's still working -AOL and Outlook Express don't love me anymore so I'm locked out of their communication privileges. It's the life-cycle of cyber-fools. One old laptop dies and takes a chunk of you with it because passwords, because security questions. Plenty of cheap 'refurbished' devices are on sale, thank god, and I snapped one up last week. "The android is dead! Long live the new android!"
Of course, now I'm holding a virgin laptop in my arms, Microsoft wants to give it a good, hard updating. Stung by their arrogance, I refuse because I can- fuck you Bill Gates! It's a losing battle, though. I know they'll force it through one night while I'm asleep and the Windows satellite is right overhead. The Update Bot will snarl, pounce and jam its latest snoopware into my snoozing artificial co-worker; Bill wins again. sucker. [CLICK HERE for How to Stop Windows 10 Updates in Progress]
NET ZERO
Funny how small the internet is since they turned it into an extension of TV - unless you're shopping, in which case there is literally nothing you can't possess. But Ebay and Amazon beckon to me in vain, like desperate ageing whores. I've already bought the six vital things I can afford, which makes me -and many other millions- a sitting duck for the budget-busting winter commanded by World Economic Fascism. Robbery has come such a long way in the last year or two, from smash and grab to Crash and Schwab.
Wednesday; 10 a.m. Spent a couple of hours working on this hour-long Covid-19 documentary I'm planning to put out before Xmas. I can't stomach the idea that the truth of our collective nightmare will be swept away in a tide of crises-yet-to-come. Editing lockdown-videos is enough to drive you barmy however, slogging through replays of the bitter humiliations heaped on us by the slugs that crawl in the soil of Parliament.
DEAD AS A DILDO
It's a great consolation that I won't live to see the early results of the trans-humanist merger of Gen-Z with machines. (Assuming the tech-psychos get away with it). If our multi-cultural society is anything to go by, hybrid creations should evolve as slowly as possible, preferably over the course of centuries if not millennia.
It's not hard to picture half-assed teenage prototypes strutting around their bedrooms in squirrel-eared exo-skeleton suits, getting their rocks off on pre-programmed orgasms fired into their brain-chip from YourHeadFuck.org. OMG I can't wait - #Tweetmyclimax! For a tiny whiff of the carnal glories in store for tomorrow's sexual pioneers, here's a quote from the geniuses at VeryWellHealth.com on the oh-so-now subject of CYBERSEX.
Teledildonics
The word teledildonics refers to the use of connected sex toys. For
example, the category includes vibrators whose vibrations are controlled
by the Internet or by app. The goal of teledildonics is to provide
stimulation at a distance—a way to simulate the experience of a
partner's touch. While not the cheapest option for cybersex, they can be
fun for people who have the resources to afford them. [CLICK HERE To investigate Cybersex at VeryWellHealth.com]
TALKING TURKEY
Although I've been stabbed, shafted, spiked and slung from the platform, I still visit Youtube, the way I used to pop into a long-ruined pub that was much-loved in its heyday. I could weep, finding most of the best Youtubers either banned or speaking in tongue-twisting riddles to beat the censors. Many, alas, seem unable to resist the cannibal zombie path -the worst of all roads- on which the lonely and burned-out are reduced to picking the bones out of other people's social-media-spats.
But that's how the New Internet rolls; like a clockwork snake, repeating and eating the worst of itself:
Mega-King 333 DESTROYS Tracy Tik-Tok for re-tweeting Instagram pic that reveals how Drongo's OnlyFans LOST 10,000 followers!
Seriously? Once-proud champions of free-speech are now whirling like dervishes, sputtering in outrage at the the dregs of the wokeweb: Racist! TERF! Gammon! Jew! Slut! Phobe! Simp! Fascist! Commie! Roll up, roll up, who'll be first to tick every box on that bingo-card?
Not me, Jack. I'd thought the e-future promised a bit more than solitary confinement in a maximum-security internet ghetto, with time off for bad behaviour. I'll do my share of howling, yes, but in the end there's only so many gigabytes in a day.
Wednesday; 12 noon. I look out the window: the sun's breaking through the unsummery clouds -cue sigh of relief. Tomorrow night I'll be in Lincolnshire, back in the green outdoors, locking chickens away from the hungry fox; listening to owls and feeding horses I haven't the strength to ride. So long as choice remains, we can pick our own way between the trees until darkness falls and the bats come flying. It makes no difference if you're a fool on the hill, still dreaming of freedom, or a prisoner of the internet playing outrage bingo. Everybody gets a life-sentence.
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