Hail the King - War Is Won - Free Energy For All

In a series of related events, life in all western democracies has improved beyond recognition, for citizens great and small. Britain has a new king- a handsome colossus of wit and wisdom, famed for his charm and intellect. In war-torn Ukraine, the Russian army is in retreat following expensive manoeuvres by General Zelensky. In the USA, grateful families line the streets of New York in anticipation of the imminent arrest of the arch-traitor Trump, while the German government has increased the electricity ration by one half-hour per week. Hail Oceania!

A NATION REJOICES

Nothing in living memory ever touched the hearts and souls of citizens of the British people so deeply as the spellbinding proclamation ceremony held yesterday in St James Palace, London. Clad in robes of finest Terylene and a faux ratskin hat, King Charles III was formally proclaimed to be undisputed monarch of the salmon, deer, horses, people and sheep of our United Kingdom at a specially convened meeting of the mysteriously important Accession Council. Rows of anonymous bald heads nodded in unison as oaths were sworn and fat envelopes discreetly exchanged. [CLICK HERE for details of the mysteriously important Accession Council] 

The 2022 Accession Council was, in line with tradition, composed entirely of ancient white male Freemasons, hand-picked for their slavish devotion to the monthly cheques they've been recieving for the seventy years since they last met. In recognition of the presence of TV cameras, a posse of ethnically diverse security-guards and two fat ladies were hastily pushed into the throng for presentation purposes.  

Outside in the City of London, bemused Chinese tourists and a touring party of Dutch furniture salesmen cheered the royal procession to the echo, as uniformed flunkeys trotted overweight piebald horses up and down for no apparent reason. King Charles was accompanied throughout by a long-faced divorcee, whose sombre dress of mourning made a stark contrast with the new monarch's fixed expression of unbridled glee. A gang of machete-wielding cockney Englishmen chanting Dat Bloodclat Charlie-Man Him No King were temporarily kettled next the Bank of England by the Kings Own Light (skinned) Infantry.

WINNING THE WAR

Meanwhile in the heavily-disputed territories of East NATO, the legendary courage and military craft displayed by Ukrainian armed forces reached new heights, as they smashed through  the already crumbling Russian front-line. In a surprise dawn attack involving thousands of dollars, a sensational, unstoppable thrust swept legions of the world's most heavily-paid troops past the crumbling Russian fortifications, up to the already crumbling next-to-the-front line, and within sight of the eight crumbling Russian lines behind that one. With victory on the near horizon, President Joseph Biden (Slayer of the Afghans) made a live televised speech from the Oval Orifice, announcing a further 12.4 Billion dollars in bribes aid to be sent at once to Switzerland Ukraine in honour of President Zelensky's loyal services to the International Arms Industry. 

"The light of freedom burns brightly tonight in Moscow...ah, I mean...Kiev," said the leader of the Free World, before warning of escalation to come: "My friends, with god's blessing, proud American armed forces will be soon marching into Florida...I mean, uh...you know the thing...Moscow! Come on, man." Biden then saluted the Monkeypox Flag, shook hands with a desklamp and retreated into the lavatory as the massed trombones of the West Point Cadet Boy Band played RELAX DON'T DO IT. 

EUROPEAN FRONT

In Paris France, news of fresh public beheadings and burning churches was downplayed by President Macron. "They do this all the time in Sanfrancisco," he claimed, adding,"As we agreed in Glasgow at COP 26, random beheading in major cities is an inevitable consequence of man-made Climate Change, exascerbated by the widespread use of central heating. As of tomorrow, citizens caught with a thermostat set above 12 degrees will be guillotined." 

In Westminster, rookie Prime Minister Mary Elizabeth Truss greeted Macron's announcement with cautious optimism. "We will be monitoring the French Climate Guillotine program carefully," she said,"with a view to rolling out similar schemes in Scotland and perhaps Liverpool."  

VLAD'S LADS

War-torn Russia now teeters on the brink of collapse after a Reuters report that various Ukrainian oligarchs have recieved yet another 36 Billion dollars of vital military encouragement. In response to a looming crisis that threatens to trigger nuclear Armageddon, the Overlord of the Evil Empire, Vlad the Investor held a topless press conference while wrestling a twenty-foot hammerhead shark in the sea off the coast of Gdansk. "NATO can buy all the war it wants," growled the ruthless ex-KGB butcher, "so long as Russia has a six-year supply of very expensive war products in reserve. We look foward to confronting the triple-vaxxed nancy-troops of the decadent west in the near future."

In response, German Chancellor Olaf Sholz -speaking from a fortified bunker somewhere in Austria- declared "We have always been at war with Ukraine. I mean, Russia."

Ivan Associated-Press

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