Roll Up, Roll Up for the Great Zelensky!

 

It's entirely appropriate that Zelbo the Great should grace the Big Top at Westminster with his hilarious freedom-fighter routine. Where else in Europe could you find a larger audience of professional clowns? 300 impotent oiky MPs tarted up like showroom dummies in pin-stripes and polka-dots, cuff-links, wing-shouldered power-dresses and high heels (and that's just the guys) while Zelensky, too cool for buttons, dons his tracky bottoms and a grubby green t-shirt. That's his formal outfit by the way. In Kiev he does crisis briefings in a string vest and underpants.

    

The plan, of course, is that the mere sight of this poxy little unshaven crook will bring the entire (dis)United Kingdom together in tears of uncontrollable mirth joy. What a hero! (we will cry) What courage! Whatever it takes, the Ukraine border must be protected! (As Zelensky spoke, another 12 platoons of criminal invaders crash-landed on the shore of  England but whatever...) 

PRESS RELEASE

NB to all Editors: The following is an unofficial selection of remarks made at a private Downing St performance by senior government officials who must remain anonymous. Please check with #10 before going to print.  

Welcome, Zelbo, Clown Prince of Ukrainia! I'd like you to accept this enormous cheque aid package on behalf of all the good people of Britain. Remember, in your darkest hour we'll always be here, just a 90 minute flight away, cowering in a blast-proof underground leisure-centre. You are an inspiration to clowns across the globe. Millions of people are right behind us, according to the latest YouGov poll. 

Yes, mighty Zelbo, it's time for Johnny Englander to stiffen his spine, think of plucky, mucky Ukraine and forget his petty, selfish woes. Forget that Co-op butter is approaching the price of beer, and beer is approaching the price of shoes.

Forget that Sajid Javid still has one last blank square to fill on his cabinet-hopping bingo-card. We believe -nay, we know- that saving Ukraine will turn the Commie tide, heal the sick and bring a halt to catastrophic Climate Change. 

And if British pensioners eating bugs in a cold, dark room will save the polar bears from the angry sun-god, I say kill the lights and pass the cockroaches!           

[APPLAUSE]

Who cares if every creep who did fuck all on full pay during lockdown is on strike for higher wages? Not me, brother; we're all Ukrainians now. What Zelbo wants, Zelbo gets! Rockets, shells, a few suitcases of hard cash, jeeps, bazookas, tanks -you'll want some ammo for them, and a DIY driver's manual I imagine. 

How about fighter planes? We've got loads and they'll be doing bugger all until the Taliban figure out how to fly the Black Hawk helicopters the Yanks left in Kabul. How about a bomber or two -or submarines? And a couple more suitcases of...well, you know.

Tell you what Zelbo -we've got this massive aircraft-carrier that cost a squillion quid (although it can't patrol the English Channel let alone the ocean). You could park it on the quay in Mariupol -that'd make Putin the Impaler think twice, eh? 

Alas, we can't supply any plutonium warheads until Uncle Joe gives the green light but meantime we could get a PR campaign going - stir up the plebs, what? All the bloody teachers are on strike so there's a million kids staring at Twitter just waiting for a nudge.  We could rustle up a flash-mob of ten thousand mixed-race  teenagers in blue-and-yellow face-paint chanting Nyooks for the Yooks! Cool or what?

[SHOUTS OF HEAR HEAR!]

How about a medal, Zelbo? King Chazza's itching to do some kind of ceremony - or would you prefer a lump sum? Just pop into Downing Street on your way to the airport and give Rishi's secretary the address of your GoFundMe page. Bitcoin? No problem -any amount you like. I hear you're having to sack half your ministers for corruption -yeah, that's right, we are too! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Talk about a custard pie in the face? HAHAHAHAHAHA!  

[GENERAL LAUGHTER]

It's a shame you can't stay longer Zelbo, but maybe next time you can do a BBC special -Question Time With the Great Zelensky, summink like that? Or would you prefer Strictly? Incidentally, there's an armoured car from the Bank of England on its way to meet your jet at the RAF base. Chap from the Home Office says it's all sooooo hush-hush. Something about gold bullion, but I'm sure you know the routine. Any chance of an autograph? By the way, I saw that great selfie of you and Bono on Instagram - tell me, is it true he's really only four foot six? HAHAHAHAHAHA! Byeeeee!

(A select group of dusky cabinet ministers raises three cheers as Clown Prince Zelbo's helicopter lifts off from Parliament Square, while the brass band of the King's Own Royal Climateers marches across Westminster Bridge playing "There's No Business Like Showbusiness...") 

Tune in same time next week for Drag Queen Story Hour at Downing Street.

 Ian Andrew-Patrick

Please do your best to share and re-post any articles or links of value that you find here. There is no agenda on this site and we support NO political ideology whatsoever. We support the individual, and the freedoms with which all individuals are born. Government is now the enemy of liberty. Your freedom will not be given back -it never has been, and never will be. Freedom must be taken.