THE FAR RIGHT ATE MY HOMEWORK
It’s been a rough old century this one -thanks entirely to the far right. It all kicked off in 2001 with the terrorist nightmare of 9/11 in New York. Only four years old I was, but I tell you, that was 100% the reason I got my first mental health issue. Although, come to think of it, they decided them hijackers was all muslims, didn’t they? Anyway, like mum said at the time, the Free World says no to fascism so we invaded Afghanistan, which is a kind of far-right place, if…if… you’re standing in Norway looking…ah…towards the sun, at about 6 a.m.
In any case, everybody knew the evil dictator Saddam Hussein had something to do with it. 9/11 I mean. He had some nuclear bombs and that…we just knew, and he was a dictator, after all, like Hitler, totally. So in 2003 we had to invade Iraq, which was pretty much a far-right country -except it was also an Islamic theocratic dictatorship. A bit like the Afghani lot but…well, same thing isn’t it? Maybe Tony Blair explained it better than me.
Anyway, straight after that in 2005 the far-right terrorists bombed London…wot? That was Islamists, was it? Oops, my bad. Long time ago -and of course I was on Ritalin by then. But fair play, I think we all remember what happened next. That far-right uprising in the middle east -went on for years- something to do with Syria…what were they called…Isis? Isis, yep. Come to think of it tho, they were sort of Islam as well. Goes to show how cunning those far-right extremities are, doesn’t it? I mean, they’ll take anybody.
Talk
about terrorism tho. I’d literally just started college in London when
they did all the London Bridge stabbings and that, 2017 it was. First
year of my masters degree in Cake-Decoration and Event Management.
Terrible it was, tho totally understandable after the way the far-right
had been demonising innocent Isis head-choppers freedom-fighters and peace-loving Islamic genital mutilators migrants and that.
Doesn’t get any easier after you grow up, mind. Wears me out it does, struggling for freedom and democracy in the shadow of the ever-present far-right threat. I was up all night designing gender-neutral posters for Non-Binary Visibility Day of Remembrance. We’re printing them tomorrow at the Queer Yiddish Anarchist Pay-what-you-can Cafe in the high street. None of your Vistaprint nonsense -we’re using authentic vegan bum-gum and recycled loo-paper from sustainable U-bends.
I’ll be up all night tonight I will -got to finish my PhD thesis. It’s called XL Bully Dogging and the Far-Right Climate Holocaust. Far right is as far right does, I say. Far right being, like, everything bad -like the Antichrist. Pure evil. You never actually see the bastard but you’re certain he’s out there, yah? You kinda know the Antichrist from what he does. Anti-Christian stuff, like blasphemy, burning cathedrals and that, killing priests -actually, that sounds a bit more like continental Islam I suppose. Bloody French surrender-monkeys. But -forgetting the arson, fatwahs and murder- the Antichrist’s as western as you and me. There’s always some fiend persecuting innocent orthodox Christians -in fact, right now that’s President Zelensky innit? Eh…um…okay, maybe the Antichrist’s a bad comparison. Let’s try again.
Far right, well that’s like, y’know, nazis, marching through city streets cos they hate all Jews and want them genocided. Hang about tho, that’ll be Islam again, won’t it? Dammit. Well, what about the way the far-right treat women, eh? Sexist, mysogynist scum they are. Thicko east-end skinheads singing Chas 'n Dave songs and drinking beer to get themselves rapey. They even do schoolgirls, dirty fuckers. And trans-women too -who are every bit as sexy and attractive to rapists as boring cisgender tarts, as we all know. What did you say? Oh yah, the Rochdale nazi rapists and them Rotherham ones -they had long beards and funny hats, didn’t they? Which takes us back to…em….well maybe “nazis” ain’t the right word.
Hang on, I’ll tell you about some right old fascists in a minute, just you have another pint, comrade. The far right are so bloody clever, see? Disguise themselves, that’s what they do. Been a right old century of hate this one, and I’ve had my share. Still, musn’t grumble. My relationship counsellor reckons I’ll get a 20k grant from the student union towards a gender-affirming lobotomy if I put up a 10% deposit. Which I will, as soon as mum hits £300 a day on Only Fans, which she totally will. Some weeks she was getting nearly 8 quid an hour back in 2020, before they banned the animal stuff. And then it was Covid of course.
Covid! Jeez, don’t get me started. That was all a far-right conspiracy cooked up in neo-fascist China -which the Daily Mail says is communist, but that’s bollocks cos it’s not real communism is it? China’s more far-right, not like Russia -I mean old Russia, obviously, before Putin and Ukraine and that, yah. Which is a pure far-right thing, obviously. Stands to reason.
Mind you, the whole crisis thing -plague, war and that- it’s a conspiracy to make you spend more time on the interweb, where you get sucked into the arms of the far-right. Cos they dominate the online discourse with alternative facts and logic and that. Not that I would mind another lockdown tho, cos I spent the whole pandemic fiddling my X-box and tossing off to acceptable, female-friendly porn.
Which reminds me -you absolutely must download the latest gaming smash-hit:Where’s Adolf? It’s UN-REAL! You pick your own character from a menu of marginalised ethnicities, right? Then you grab a titanium machete and start kicking down doors in majority-white suburbs till you find Adolf and -hang on mate…wait…I didn’t even catch your pronouns…
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