This Week: Islam 5 Christ 0

Easter Light has arrived, and looks very much like the latest victim of shrinkflation. On the plus side -for bearded followers of the Religion of Peace- there’s not much to get offended about. Thanks to a nationwide (London-wide) effort, it’s going to be a Christ-free, cross-free experience. Remaining pockets of true believers in the Son of God have been relegated to the dark aisle of the supermarket and the niche-market of those fun-loving LGBT social-hubs called churches.

In topsy-turvy Londonistan, art must imitate life, so the Tate Modern did its bit to eclipse any early enthusiasm for the Resurrection by hosting a call-to-prayer get together for ‘hundreds of muslims’. Quite what this has to with art is beyond me, but at least fans of the Prophet didn’t have to squeeze through a narrow doorway between two naked twats just to get in. You have to visit the Royal Academy to savour that kind of aesthetic stimulation.

Next up was that old Easter favourite: Pimp My Cross. The Nike company, who sell shoes of many colours, is worth about $240 billion and one of their customers is the Football Association in Britain. These are not nice, decent people. The F.A. is staffed by amoral bung-sponges that would send players out at Wembley wearing slit-skirts and nipple-rings if the price was right. Tasked with designing a kit for England’s footballing diversiteers, Nike decided to ditch England’s national flag -the cross of St George- in favour of a pink, blue and mauve cross hidden behind each player’s neck. This violation of a national religious symbol was was described as “a playful, inspiring update”. There was not a murmur of protest from England’s heroic soccerockstars, who probably think St George’s second name was Floyd. They are children of the wokapocalypse, hand-picked soy-boys who will run their pants off clad in satin rainbows -unless there’s an Arab nearby with a bigger chequebook than Nike. In the Long March to hell, no cross will be left behind.

Londoners with real jobs got a whopping dollop of Ramadan last Tuesday, when the prayer mats were out and proud at Kings Cross Station. Some inspired scamp had displayed a chunk of clunky Islamic wisdom -the 'Hadith of the day'- next to train times on the main notice board. 'The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) [Peace Be Upon Him] said: All the sons of Adam are sinners but the best of the sinners are those who repent often.' A little startling when all you really wanted to know was the likelihood of getting home in time for Coronation Street. Risking their careers and possibly lives, members of the Christian underground struck back with a volley of tweets and harrumphing noises until the imams of Network Rail grudgingly took the message down. It was, however, on display quite long enough for tens of thousands of commmuters to, well, get the message.

For the Resistance, however, the train-station stand-off was just a flash in the Ramadan pan. Anyone blind to England’s new state religion had their soul sharply updated by the remarkable spectacle of the crescent flag of Islam hoisted last week above Westminster Abbey. Caight off guard by this unexpected manoeuvre, Christian partisans were slow to react and the flag flew for long enough to recruit a couple of thousand unwary schoolkids. (Allegedly). Readers are invited to contact the church itself regarding their rat-weasel excuse for this grotesque territorial surrender -I’m not going to dignify it with a description here.

Emphasising that in Britain, defence of the realm is a theoretical concept with no basis in reality, the Army chose Good Friday to announce it has dropped the historic ban on bearded soldiers. For some inexplicable reason, the Army wishes to attract men with beards. Somewhere north of the River Thames, a mighty roar of laughter was heard echoing between the dozens of gleaming, polished minarets that make London the wonder it truly is. If there’s one thing guaranteed to put a smile on the hirsute visage of our muslim brethren, it’s the idea that any of them would lift a finger to defend Britain. Their loyalty is to Allah alone, and their identity is 100% rock-solid and untouchable. To put this in perspective, I don’t imagine the brand-masters at Nike are planning a to release a “playful, inspiring update” to the crescent moon and star flag anytime soon.

To all my faithful readers -a very Happy Easter!

Ian Andrew-Patrick